3 of my friends wanted to go to America.
Their names were Bu, Chu, and Fu. Since these names would sound
awfully weird, Bu said, "I'll change me name to Buck, adding ck
to the end." Chu then said, "then I'll become Chuck." After a
long pause, Fu said, "I guess I'll go back home."
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Wednesday, May 28, 2008
Race
My friend and I were sky-diving.
My friend jumps out the plane and pulls the cord - nothing happens.
Then my friend pull the emergency cord and still nothing.
Then I jumps out of the plane and yell "Oh! So you wanna race, huh?"
Think about it
What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Jump
my friend and I went to the bar after work for a drink, and sat on stools watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from a building, and I bet with my friend $50 that he wouldn't jump.Sure enough, he jumped, so I gave my friend $50.My friend said,"I can't take this, you're my friend." But I insisted saying,"No. A bet's a bet."Then the my friend said"Listen, I have to tell you that I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I can't take your money."And I replied"Well, so did I, but I didn't think he would jump again!"
Monday, May 26, 2008
License plate number
Me and my friend were about to go to the movies.
So my friend fetch me from my house in his brand new car.
He loved that car.
So we decided to stop by at 7 eleven to buy some snacks.
A few minutes later i saw my someone driving off with my friends car.
i told my friend.
He said "did you get a good look at that guys face?"
I said "i did better,i memories the license plate number"
So my friend fetch me from my house in his brand new car.
He loved that car.
So we decided to stop by at 7 eleven to buy some snacks.
A few minutes later i saw my someone driving off with my friends car.
i told my friend.
He said "did you get a good look at that guys face?"
I said "i did better,i memories the license plate number"
Sunday, May 25, 2008
Pass away
I was really sad when i heard my grandpa pass away.
I got even sadder when i heard my mum's dad pass away.
I got even sadder when i heard my mum's dad pass away.
Saturday, May 24, 2008
Friday, May 23, 2008
God works in mysterious ways
i was praying to God.
i said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And then i said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
the i asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So i said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
i said, "God!?"
God responded, "Yes?"
And then i said, "Can I ask a question?"
"Go right ahead," God said.
"God, what is a million years to you?"
God said, "a million years to me is only a second."
the i asked, "God, what is a million dollars worth to you?"
God said, "a million dollars to me is as a penny."
So i said, "God. can I have a penny?"
And God said, "Sure!!.....just a second."
Think about it
If a kid was taken hostage its call kidnap.
what happen if an teenager is taken hostage?
what happen if an adult is taken hostage?
what happen if a baby is taken hostage?
what happen if an teenager is taken hostage?
what happen if an adult is taken hostage?
what happen if a baby is taken hostage?
Thursday, May 22, 2008
Teenage pregnancy
When it comes to teenage pregnancy,being a girl is better.
Because girls get to have all the sex they want and don't have to
worry about getting anyone pregnant.
Because girls get to have all the sex they want and don't have to
worry about getting anyone pregnant.
God work in mysterious ways
One Sunday morning, a priest wakes up and decides to go golfing. He calls his boss and says that he feels very sick, and won't be able to go to work.
Way up in heaven, Jesus sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"
"No, I guess not, " says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Jesus watches in disbelief and asks, " Why did you let him do that?"
To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
Way up in heaven, Jesus sees all this and asks God, "Are you really going to let him get away with this?"
"No, I guess not, " says God.
The priest drives about five to six hours away, so he doesn't bump into anyone he knows. The golf course is empty when he gets there. So he takes his first swing, drives the ball 495 yards away and gets a hole in one.
Jesus watches in disbelief and asks, " Why did you let him do that?"
To this God says, "Who's he going to tell?"
i got into jail
Me and my friend were out in the woods when my friend collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes were glazed.I took out my phone and called the emergency services. I said "My friend is dead! What can I do?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, i said "OK, now what?"
The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."
There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, i said "OK, now what?"
Thing about it
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dankly things here, and drink whatever comes out"?
Think about it
Who was the first one who thought that the white thing that came from a hen's butt looked edible?
Think about it
If corn oil is made from corn,
and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
and vegetable oil is made from vegetables,
then what is baby oil made from?
Banking
I never been to a bank.
But i know it takes a really long time to do anything.
Because it is written 24 hour banking...
But i know it takes a really long time to do anything.
Because it is written 24 hour banking...
How to get your report card sign without getting scold.
Dear mum,
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a girlfriend, she is three months pregnant.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to teenagers.
Wish us luck
Lamefreak
P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.
I am writing you this note to say that I haven't been honest to you lately.
I have a girlfriend, she is three months pregnant.
We will make a living out of growing drugs and selling them to teenagers.
Wish us luck
Lamefreak
P.S.
I am at the neighbors house, all of the above was a lie I just wanted to let you know there are worse things in life than my report card which is in the top drawer.
Wednesday, May 21, 2008
Whats an Adulteress?
male-waiter
female-waitress
male-steward
female-stewardess
male-headmaster
female-headmistress
therefore
male-adult
female-adulteress
female-waitress
male-steward
female-stewardess
male-headmaster
female-headmistress
therefore
male-adult
female-adulteress
Tips about driving
Don't drive after playing a violent video game that involves racing cars.
It gives you thoughts.
It gives you thoughts.
How to stop a fire
How to stop a burning house?
by things that are on fire in to the burning house.
Because you got to fight fire with fire.
by things that are on fire in to the burning house.
Because you got to fight fire with fire.
Monday, May 19, 2008
It says so in the bible
Come work for the Lord. The work is hard, the hours are long and the pay is low. But the retirement benefits are out of this world
Tips about driving
A woman and man get into a car accident. Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt.
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
After they crawl out of the wreckage, the woman says, "Wow, look at our cars - there's nothing left! Thank God we are all right. This must be a sign from Him that we should be friends and not try to pin the blame on each other."
The man replies, "Oh yes, I agree with you completely."
The woman points to a bottle on the ground and says, "And here's another miracle. Somehow this bottle of Scotch from my back seat didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this Scotch and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she hands the bottle to the man. The man nods his head in agreement, opens it, and chugs about a third of the bottle to calm his nerves. He then hands it back to the woman. The woman takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap back on, and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, "Aren't you having any?"
The woman replies, "No. I think I'll just wait for the police..."
Dun curse when you are wishing
Three men visit the mountain of wishes where, if you jump off and say your wish you'll get it.
So the first guy jumps and says I wanna be famous, POOF he's famous.
The second guy jumps and says I wanna be rich, POOF he's a trillionaire.
Finally, the third guy goes trips over a stick and says shit.
As he hits the bottom he lands in a pile of shit.
So the first guy jumps and says I wanna be famous, POOF he's famous.
The second guy jumps and says I wanna be rich, POOF he's a trillionaire.
Finally, the third guy goes trips over a stick and says shit.
As he hits the bottom he lands in a pile of shit.
My friend helped me
My friends and i walks in for our interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
My friend responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
my other friend walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
My other friend responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
on the way out my friend told me"What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
i walked in for my interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
I look at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
I said"Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
I didn't get the job
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
My friend responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
my other friend walks in for his interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
My other friend responds, "Why, You don't have any ears."
Interviewer: "Get out! Send in the next guy."
on the way out my friend told me"What ever you do, don't say anything about his not having any ears - He'll kick you right out."
i walked in for my interview.
The interviewer asks, "Whats the first thing you notice about me?"
I look at the interviewer intently for a few seconds and responds, "Why, you wear contact lenses don't you."
The interviewer says, "That's impressive that you're so observant. How could you tell I wear contact lenses?"
I said"Because you don't have any damn ears to hang glasses on."
I didn't get the job
My friend
Me and a bunch of friends met up in a bar.One of my friend asks, "Did your hear the news - Mike is dead??!!!"
And my other friend said"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
Then I said "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
And my other friend said"Woah, what the hell happened to him?"
Then I said "Well he was on his way over to my house the other day and when he arrived outside the house he didn't brake properly and boom - He hit the curb, the car flipped over and he crashed through the sunroof - Went flying through the air and smashed through my upstairs bedroom window."
"What a horrible way to die!"
"No no, he survived that, that didn't kill him at all. So, he's landed in my upstairs bedroom and he's all covered in broken glass on the floor. Then, he spots the big old antique wardrobe we have in the room and reaches up for the handle to try to pull himself up. He's just dragging himself up when bang, this massive wardrobe comes crashing down on top of him, crushing him and breaking most of his bones."
"What a way to go, that's terrible!"
"No no, that didn't kill him he survived that. He managed to get the wardrobe off him and crawls out onto the landing, he tries to pull himself up on the banister but under his weight, the banister breaks and he goes falling down on to the first floor. In mid air, all the broken banister poles spin and fall on him, pinning him to the floor, sticking right through him."
"Now that is the most unfortunate way to go!"
"No no, that didn't kill him, he even survived that. So he's on the downstairs landing, just beside the kitchen. He crawls in to the kitchen, tries to pull himself up on the stove, but reached for a big pot of boiling hot water, whoosh, the whole thing came down on him and burned most of his skin off him."
"Man, what a way to go!"
"No no, he survived that, he survived that! He's lying on the ground, covered in boiling water and he spots the phone and tries to pull himself up, to call for help, but instead he grabs the light switch and pulls the whole thing off the wall and the water and electricity didn't mix and so he got electrocuted, wallop, 10,000 volts shot through him."
"Now that is one awful way to go!"
"No no, he survived that..."
"Hold on now, just how the hell did he die?"
"I shot him!"
"You shot him? What the hell did you shoot him for?"
"He was wrecking my house."
When i was a kid
"You know what?"i said. "I think it's about time we start cussing." my sis nods her head in approval. Then isaid. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm going to say hell and you say ass."
"OK!" my sis agrees with enthusiasm.
our mother walked into the kitchen and asks me what i wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cereal."
WHACK! my mum started slapping my rear. My mom locked me in me room and shouted "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at my sis, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young lady?
"I don't know," my sis blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cereals!"
"OK!" my sis agrees with enthusiasm.
our mother walked into the kitchen and asks me what i wants for breakfast. "Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cereal."
WHACK! my mum started slapping my rear. My mom locked me in me room and shouted "You can just stay there till I let you out!"
She then comes back downstairs, looks at my sis, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young lady?
"I don't know," my sis blubbers, "But you can bet your ass it won't be Cereals!"
I got mail?
I was get trick by the computer.
Each time the they tell me that i got mail.
But when i check my mailbox there is nothing there...
Each time the they tell me that i got mail.
But when i check my mailbox there is nothing there...
Persian Rugs
A woman walks into a shop that sells expensive Persian Rugs.
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
Looking around, she spots the perfect rug, walks over and inspects it.
As she bends to feel the texture of the rug she farts loudly.
Very embarrassed she looks around nervously to see if anyone has noticed her 'little accident' and hopes a sales person does not pop up right now.
As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman. "Good day Ma'am, how may we help you today?"
Very uncomfortably she asks, "How much does this rug cost?"
He answers, "Lady if you farted just touching it, you're gonna crap your pants when you hear what the price is."
Friday, May 16, 2008
When i was young
When i was young a new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses.
She started in my class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, I stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid?"
Then i said "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
She started in my class by saying, "Everyone who thinks you're stupid, stand up!"
After a few seconds, I stood up.
The teacher said, "Do you think you're stupid?"
Then i said "No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!"
FYI
What's the difference between a mosquito and a fly? A mosquito can fly, but a fly can't mosquito
Organic
I took my doctor's advise and start eating pig's intestine,kidney.liver.
He told me to eat organic food.
He told me to eat organic food.
It is said so in the bible
If you have a bee in your hand, what do you have in your eye? BEAUTY is in the eye of the bee - holder
FYI
What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. (no eye dear) What do you call a deer with no legs and no eyes? Still no idea
Cards
One day i went camping in the jungle with my friends.
They wanted to play cards.
I told them that they can't do that.
Because there's too many cheetas!
They wanted to play cards.
I told them that they can't do that.
Because there's too many cheetas!
If i was santa claus
Santa says to Mrs. Claws "Any idea what the weather will be like for Christmas?". Mrs Claws: "Looks like rain, dear"
Thursday, May 15, 2008
When i was working
The workers at my place were misusing MC.
One day my boss came in to work angrily.
He held up a newspaper and said "this man call in sick yesterday",
It was a photo of my colleague winning a golf competition with an excellent score.
Everyone kept quiet.
Then i said out loud "wow,imagine what kind of score he would get if he wasn't sick".
One day my boss came in to work angrily.
He held up a newspaper and said "this man call in sick yesterday",
It was a photo of my colleague winning a golf competition with an excellent score.
Everyone kept quiet.
Then i said out loud "wow,imagine what kind of score he would get if he wasn't sick".
Wednesday, May 14, 2008
Reading
I never really like reading.I never read finish a book before in my life.So I tried to read a book yesterday and i realize something new.They numbered every page!!!
Tips about picking friends
You can pick your friends,
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
you can pick your nose,
but you can't pick your friend's nose.
Friday, May 9, 2008
It took three weeks to clean the school
My school teacher wanted the students to pay more attention during the school assembly.
I suggested to them that i hypnotize everyone.
Then during the school assembly i took out a gold watch.
I hold the end of the chain and swing the watch side to side and said "watch the watch,watch the watch...".
I accidentally drop the watch and said "oh shit...".
It took three weeks to clean the school.
I suggested to them that i hypnotize everyone.
Then during the school assembly i took out a gold watch.
I hold the end of the chain and swing the watch side to side and said "watch the watch,watch the watch...".
I accidentally drop the watch and said "oh shit...".
It took three weeks to clean the school.
Eye doctor
One day me and my friend were walking.
Then we came across a house surrounded by a woodden fence.
The people inside were saying"14,14,14,14...."
My friend got curious and peep through a peep hole in the fence.
Suddenly somebody poke his eye.
The people inside started saying"15,15,15,15...."
So i got curious to see who's their next victim is.
I peep through the peep hole.
The people inside started saying"16,16,16,16...."
I had to go see an eye doctor.
Then we came across a house surrounded by a woodden fence.
The people inside were saying"14,14,14,14...."
My friend got curious and peep through a peep hole in the fence.
Suddenly somebody poke his eye.
The people inside started saying"15,15,15,15...."
So i got curious to see who's their next victim is.
I peep through the peep hole.
The people inside started saying"16,16,16,16...."
I had to go see an eye doctor.
Saturday, May 3, 2008
Doctor
One day, two guys when to the doctors.
They were siting at the waiting room crying.
I ask the first man.
"Why are you crying?"
He taking a blood test, and they are going to cut my finger"
"Very pain".
I ask the second man.
"Why are you crying?"
He answered
"I taking a urine test"
They were siting at the waiting room crying.
I ask the first man.
"Why are you crying?"
He taking a blood test, and they are going to cut my finger"
"Very pain".
I ask the second man.
"Why are you crying?"
He answered
"I taking a urine test"
How to appreciate life.
Being tall helps me to appreciate life..Because when you are tall and you look at the people around you.You realize that life is short.
Beach bitch
Once i work in a clothing outlet.A customer came in and ask for some high class clothes.I said "so you want something classy?".I gave the customer what she wanted.The next day a customer came in and ask for clothes that shine.I said "so you want something shinny?".I gave the customer what she wanted.The next day a customer came in looking for beach wear.The customer told me that she was going to Danga Bay Beach.I said "so when are you going to Danga Bay Beach?"
i got fired the next day.
i got fired the next day.
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